Love as a Self-Actualizing Experience: The Future of My Evolution

The last few years I’ve been reluctant to dedicate myself fully to any one relationship.  Commitment scared me.  It still kinda does.  Putting great effort and thought into a relationship and building an attachment to that individual leaves one vulnerable to heartbreak.  Whether it’s a spouse, family member, or friend, all relationships will go through some suffering, usually by death, divorce, or separation.  After experiencing this more than once in my own life, I feared the inevitable destiny that all relationships will end at death, and I didn’t want to go through the suffering again.  If I were just able to un-attach emotionally to all relationships I wouldn’t have to suffer.  Believe me, I got good at it.  I prevented myself from getting over-emotional and suppressed my feelings.  I was indeed able to limit my suffering.  If there was any indication that I was in the midst of suffering, I just left before it escalated.  Flight was my response. 

But I felt hollow.  It’s unfulfilling, doing life this way.  Later I came to understand that through my suffering I learned the greatest lessons in life and ultimately found greater beauty in life itself.  If I prevented myself from ever suffering again through fear I wouldn’t come to deeper truths and the world’s captivating beauty would dim.  Thankfully I’ve been blessed with the desire to know greater truths.  I’m at another breaking point.  I’m encouraged for another major breakthrough, and it may take me putting down the guard I have built up these last few years to come to know it. 

One word that has repeatedly exposed itself to me the last few days is dedication.  This goes on the lines of my latest blog.  Habits are reformed through dedication and hard work, not by merely wishing for change.  The best things are what we’ve worked for, not for what comes easily.  Dedication spats in the face of difficulties.  Dedication loves the combat.  And the most important battleground of dedication: relationships.

There’s a reason Jesus emphasized the love of your neighbor.  Humans are innately relational, common to mammals but distinctive from fish and reptiles.  With the formation of the analytical mind, humans bring relationships and attachment to a level beyond their mammalian counterparts.  Attachment is much greater; so is the suffering.  Our minds are powerful, and they can either be accommodating or abusive to our well-being.  With our human distinction we have a greater chance of suffering, but we also have a greater opportunity to love deeply. 

Although I feel like I’ve advanced the last few years in understanding the deeper aspects of my own self, I’ve lost touch with the virtuous characteristics that defined my rise to this awareness in the first place.  Relationships enabled a greater awareness of myself relative to the world around me and a closer relationship with God.  Jesus said the two greatest commandments were love God and love people.  1 John 4:12 says, “No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.“  It is through love of the fellow man that we come to a greater awareness of God.  It’s through our social interaction with each other that we discover who God is and relatively who we are.  A personal interpretation of the two greatest commandments follows.

1)   Love God.  Personal and mystical experience of God.  By knowing God we know ourselves.  I consider this present Mongolian journey primarily a personal one.  

2)   Love your neighbor.  Social experience of God.  Discovering God in others.  Social interaction, testing of the spirits discovered in personal experiences.  Learning to be an expression of love gained (Love is God).  Where traits of the character are developed and where virtues get stronger.  The nurturing of our species. 

The social experience of God may be progressive or limiting, depending on who we interact with and how we respond to the interaction.  Relationships are the outward expressions of an inward reality.    

Self-actualization is not abandoning your relationships.  It instead takes those relationships and discovers greater truths about oneself and the Divine.  Relationships compliment the self-actualizing experience.  Often they’re formed on the low frequencies of the feeling of incompleteness, and the individual is stuck battling these feelings for most of their life.  It is only overcome by facing it head-on independently.  No one can save you:  only God’s grace can reveal this salvation to you.

Relationships could be abusive and weak, but they could also be empowering.  Relationships could lead to the individual feeling unsatisfied, but relationships could also accelerate the individual towards self-actualization (and God), once the individual knows who they are outside of the relationship.  The question that must be answered before diving into any new relationship is:  Who are you?  One must understand the greatest commandment before delving into the second greatest.

The third commandment Jesus gave is one that the church tends to stress over the first two commandments:  make disciples.  This has been the church’s backbone of survival for years.  Expressing thoughts are the only way of preserving them.  This is a huge difficulty when preserving memories in family history research.  All the memories experienced by our ancestors will be forgotten if they’re not recorded or communicated to the next generations.  Even then they often become diluted.  Most memories have been lost forever.  

We are all disciples of something.  It’s part of our human nature to express ourselves.  Experiences are mostly had knowing we are going to share them with somebody else.  If we weren’t disciples of anything we would fundamentally be fruitless and unproductive.  We would go through life never realizing our great potential.  Have you already reached your maximum potential?  Maybe if you did you wouldn’t be alive.

The question to the reader is this:  What are you being a disciple of?  What message are you broadcasting?  What truth is going to live on in this world after you die?  Don’t fear suffering.  It will inescapably come.  Learn to ride the waves of the storm to the island of paradise.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

1 James 1:2-4

“You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” 

Epicurus

“There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.”   

Malcolm X

“Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course.”   

William Shakespeare

“True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the appellation.” 

 George Washington

“Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.”   

Anais Nin

“Brave men rejoice in adversity, just as brave soldiers triumph in war.”   

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them.”  

 John Aughey

“Bygone troubles are good to tell.”  

Yiddish Proverb

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”   

1 John 4:7-8 

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

“’Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’  Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.’” 

 Matthew 22:36-40

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”   

Romans 8:28

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”   

1 Peter 5:10

"If you're going through hell, keep going."  

Winston Churchill

“We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.”  

Author Unknown

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.”  

Mother Teresa

“We acquire the strength we have overcome.”  

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.”  

Frank A. Clark

“The problem is not that there are problems.  The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.”  

Theodore Rubin

“Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus.”  

Robert Brault

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”  

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.”  

African Proverb

2014: A Year of New Visions, Habits, and Breakthroughs

2013 witnessed much change.  This was notably true in my life.  I experienced the death of an immediate family member, moved to a foreign country, and began working in an environment that doesn’t speak English and no longer have the immediate comfort of loved ones around.  It seemed like this was a year of little steadiness.  Everything worked on or thought about eventually changed again.  It was a year of adventure but inconsistency.  I believe the New Year will bring more stability and growth.  2012 was the end of an era; 2013 was a year of change; 2014 will be a year of new visions, habits, and breakthroughs. 

New Visions

Plans change. Visions remain.  I remember hearing this quote several years ago while attending a leadership conference in Tacoma.  It was from John Maxwell.

Plans change.  This is one of the greatest lessons learned growing up.  Plans are not guaranteed; expectations are repeatedly met with disappointment.   When I was a senior in high school I intended to go to Northwest University in Kirkland, graduate with a teaching degree, get hired at a public school where I could teach and coach, buy and move into my own house, get married, and have a couple kids before I was 30.  Well, one of those came true.  Plans altered, interests changed, and my ideal plan of my future life continued to be reformed.  Travel wasn’t even on my radar, nor was my interest in family history research, playing in a band, or writing a blog to promote my ideas on Facebook.

Plans change.  Plans are strategies to get to our goals.  These plans often experience detours and alteration.  Emotions also change.  One day we feel inspired about a plan and make significant headway.  The next we feel uncommitted and toss the plan aside.  Plans are amended over and over.

Visions remain.  There is an inner dream that arises during our childhood and finds its place in our subconscious that repeatedly reminds us it’s still there throughout our entire lives.  It’s what Paulo Coelho describes as our Personal Legend.  It’s that little voice inside us connecting us with the purpose of our lives.  These are our visions.  Visions are the features of our calling.

We will feel motivated, inspired, and excited about life’s endless possibilities at times.  Other times we’ll find it hard to get enthused.  Our emotions are inconsistent and unreliable.  If we lean on them we find ourselves unstable and hovering in the habitual inconsistencies of the mind, and the mind is restless.  Yet visions remain with us through both our motivated and apathetic states.  Visions are deeper levels of consciousness deriving from our inner selves.  Visions stand the test of time.

What is your vision?  What is your calling?

New Habits

It is believed to take 21 days to both start and break a habit without missing a day.  That’s almost a month.  The majority of habits are done subconsciously, without us even paying an ounce of attention.  This is what makes them so hard to overcome.

The road to your vision is structured on habits, in mind and in action.  When “The Secret” came out many people were excited about the possibility of creating whatever they wanted for their life.  If they could visualize it, they could create it.  Imagine you are driving along the highway to a Florence and the Machine concert.  You began to visualize a parking spot near the entrance of the amphitheater to be open just for you.  You keep it in your mind and confidently say over and over to yourself with faith that a spot will be open as soon as you drive into the parking lot.

You drive into the parking lot and discover every close parking spot occupied.  In fact, you are directed quite a distance away from the amphitheater.  Your visualization didn’t work.  First responses from strong advocates of the law of attraction would say you didn’t have enough faith.  That’s very similar to the Christian understanding of the “faith of a mustard seed.”  I’m not disapproving it.  In fact I’m a great believer in the law of attraction and strongly believe our thoughts affect our outcome at the quantum level.  But I’m encouraging the religious supporter of “The Secret” to look beyond mere faith to a crucial element of seeing this quantum change happen at the macro level. 

Action.

You cannot get from point A to point B unless you move.  I can’t say enough how important this is for the realization of our dreams.  Consciously thinking and intending for something to happen is great, but it must be followed by action.  I remember talking about traveling internationally with my brother for years and years.  We were so excited and had the vision.  But it took a decision to finally buy the plane tickets one day to see the trip happen, to our pockets despair.  If there’s no action, there’s no momentum to see the fulfillment of that dream.  Thoughts to action; abstract thinking to practicality; “Lala-land” to actualization.  To have a different result we have to change our actions.  We must modify our habits. 

Habits are the footsteps to our visions.  If we expect to see a big change in our reality, a change of habits is required.  The fulfillment of our dreams requires habit change.  Limiting habit change results in a limited spectrum of change.  I say “spectrum” because there’s no telling exactly how our daily lives will turn out in every detail.  External forces play their part.  We must be open to alteration and obstacles.  I also say “spectrum” because habits align with each other vaguely and affect each other.  Your habit of drinking may affect your habit of morning meditation.  Your habit of exercise may affect your habit of sleep.  I remember at an NBC basketball camp during high school hearing a revision of a saying that was quite common: “Practice makes perfect.”  Suppose you’ve been practicing saying a phrase in a different language.  Over and over you’ve been repeating this phrase to yourself and have it nailed down.  You then go out in public and use it in conversation.  The native speakers of the language look at you funny.  What did he just say?  You say it again.  They still don’t understand you.  With the use of hand and facial gestures you communicate to them what you’re trying to say.  Their faces light up and they start to laugh.  Then they say the correct way to say the phrase.  The whole time, after days of practice, you realize you’ve been saying it wrong.  You were practicing, but it wasn’t perfect.  Instead of “practice makes perfect” you really should be saying, “Perfect practice makes perfect.”  How you practice matters just as much as the action of practice.  If you’ve been making few jump shots, you may need to change up your shooting routine.  If you’ve been in a hitting slump, you may need to change how you grip the bat or even the bat itself.  Your habits are your practices.

What are your current practices? 

A little change can lead to big effects.  Time is a valuable resource.  Everyday we’re blessed with 24 new hours to spend.  If we don’t spend it, it will be taken from us regardless.  So why waste it?  If you were given $1,000 to spend in a day and were told the money left over would crumble to dust when the clock strikes 12, would you think twice about spending all of it for something that’ll last a little bit longer?  Imagine if you actually created a time to practice your guitar skills, learn how to cook, work out, or read the classics.  You don’t believe your habits can alter your reality?  Try it.  We cannot expect to change our outcome unless we change our habits.  We are responsible to act, not just imagine. 

Are your current habits progressing you?  Are they limiting you?  Reassess yourself.  Make 2014 a transformative year.  What do you want to fulfill in the New Year?  The choice is yours, and it starts with changing your habits.

New Breakthroughs

You know that feeling you get during those “wow” moments of total bliss?  That’s the feeling you get when experiencing breakthroughs.  Breakthroughs happen when a restriction is removed or surpassed.  Breakthroughs are overcoming an obstacle or stalemate.  Breakthroughs are life-altering.  They feel great.

Breakthroughs are the evidence of our personal advancement.  They are a sign of individual achievement.  They are the assessment of our progress.  What are your visions?  Breakthroughs are a way to evaluate our advancement to these objectives/aspirations. 

They’re also a sign of grace.  Sometimes months and years are spent trying to advance to the next level.  No matter how much effort we seem to put into our aspirations, the breakthrough doesn’t happen.  But then one day it does.  There’s no explaining it; the universe just grants your wish.  Breakthroughs are encouraging and humbling at the same time.

It’s been a while since my last big breakthrough.  It happened in 2010 after a period of great affliction.  Before that, the tragedy of my first death experience in 2008 led to a subsequent breakthrough year in 2009 of international attentiveness and emotional highs.  A great mountain of possibility follows a low valley.  And every breakthrough is greater than the one before it.  Were you traversing a low valley in the year 2013?  I have good news for you:  a mountainous breakthrough is on its way.

A breakthrough unleashes new visions.  These new visions inspire new habits, and these habits will lead to more breakthroughs.  The cycle starts over.  Several years from now the landscape is going to look a whole lot different.  We will be rewarded, but we must persevere.

2014 is where the road ascends.  You’ll be climbing that mountain, and upon each step you’ll see more of the grand world around.  Of course, you have to decide to actually take the steps.  It’s a climb, but it’s a glorious one.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. 

Walter Elliott

Saints are sinners who kept on going. 

Robert Louis Stevenson

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. 

Buddhist Saying

Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it.  I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down. 

Charles F. Kettering

Never think that God's delays are God's denials.  Hold on; hold fast; hold out.  Patience is genius. 

Georges-Louis Leclerc

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes you must cross a bridge and other times you need to burn it. But, always keep building one and never lose your faith in life.

Dodinsky,

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over. 

F. Scott Fitzgerald

When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. 

Author Unknown

Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second.

William James

Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.

André A. Jackson

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

Earl Nightingale

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.

William Feather

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.

Jacob A. Riis

The Creation of Our Character

Last week I was in Ulaanbaatar for training.  It was so good to see the friends I had gotten to know over the summer.  Towards the end of the week I was ready to go home.  I had mixed feelings about the whole event.  I was glad to spend time with my friends, and I took a lot of good pictures to enable reflection in future years.  This would be the last time I see these folks for 8 months.  At the same time it felt as if I had taken a step backward to the summer, as if the last 3 months had been nearly an illusion.  Now that I’m back home the progress of the 3 months has come back into perspective.  This summer had been one of the most memorable in my life, but now it’s time to progress further beyond it.  

An interesting story came out of last week.  I was almost mugged!  I was with five other volunteers walking from the Sunday market, trying to find a taxi.  As we were walking through a crowded bus stop several guys stepped in our path, throwing off our walking momentum.  After a few seconds they allowed us to get through.  We thought the halt was awkward but kept walking.  About a minute later I felt somebody grab my arms from behind.  I thought it was one of the guys in our group playing around.  Then I looked to my left and saw a second Mongolian guy, in his 20s, holding my left arm.  A third Mongolian man came up in front of me and began unzipping my front pocket where my wallet was kept.  I wondered before how I would react in a situation like this.  Fear wasn’t an option.  In fact, I don’t recall any.  I simply reacted, reached down and grabbed the guy’s hand before he could pull anything out.  He never got a hold of my wallet.  I guess all those years of defending myself from my older brother and dad while wrestling around paid off!  After I was grabbed I was told that Jake, one of the guy volunteers in our group, separated the guys who were holding me from behind.  I feel if Jake weren’t there maybe the robbery would’ve been successful.  While attempting to help me his camera was stolen.  It was a noble sacrifice he made.  I didn’t know how to thank him properly, so I bought him a beer that night.  It’s proof of how close our group has become.  No stalling out of fear of whether it was a good idea to get involved:  reacting in defense of another, valuing the safety of the group.  Standing up for something he thought was intolerable, a defining characteristic.

This past week I have asked myself:  What do I stand for?  What are my defining characteristics?

I grew up with a very strong belief system.  The roots were planted in the Pentecostal doctrine.  I didn’t care how others reacted to me.  I would bring a Bible to school and try to make Christians.  I would go to the flagpole with my friends and pray as others laughed and threw things at us.  I debated strongly against evolution, believing it was established to draw us away from God.  I studied the debate between Creationism and evolution intensely so I knew how to respond to criticism.  I used to think God was a Republican aiming to create a “City on the Hill” in America to be an example to the rest of the world.  This was my character in Yelm, and I was known for it. 

When I went to college (a Methodist university) I felt comfortable to open up.  Taking classes in Christian formation and theology, I began to see the Assembly of God doctrine as one of many.  I started to explore the various doctrines and find commonality between them.  Two commonalities became quite clear and powerful to me:  Love (the greatest commandment and who God is) and its vice, Pride (ego-identification).  I held too much value on the Christian religion itself to explore beyond it yet.  But my mind continued to expand and assess the various images of God.

In 2010 I was at the lowest point in my life.  People told me God had a plan.  I knew this obviously, but it certainly didn’t feel like it.  I read everything I could get my hands on regarding suffering and how to go beyond it.  From the story of Job to neuroscience to the eightfold path of Buddhist philosophy, I began to see that the commonality I discovered in Christianity extended across religious and secular barriers.  Love was universal and could be experienced and expressed by all and in many different ways.  I then discovered that my very ego, my identity, was the dwelling place of pride, the vice that prevented Love from ever flowing.  As I became aware of this ego I became aware of my inner self, that is, the one who allowed the ego to take over my awareness.  I realized I (the inner self) was actually the creator of my identity, not the identity itself.  I could then see how I had allowed my suffering to continue.  I became aware that I could shut off my suffering at any moment by dis-identifying with my identity and my thoughts.  I am not my mind.  With this awareness my suffering disappeared, and my desire to create my life enhanced.  I was coming to know myself (and God) mystically and deeply, not through a mask that was created by man-made religion.  I became aware God was within me every present moment, the Source of my very being.  

As one steps back and sees the identity they have invented they realize they are responsible.  With that responsibility comes both progressive and limiting traits, and with those limiting traits comes suffering.  I sympathize:  bad things happen to good people.  There’s no need to analyze it; they just do.  But that’s it.  Bad things happen to good people.  Nothing to add.  There’s a distinction we must make, I’ve come to discover, if we desire to take control over our own lives and over our own suffering.  That distinction is between the facts and the stories we create in our head.  Fact:  bad things happen to good people.  Story:  every other thought that comes after that.  90% of our thinking is in the realm of story-creating, analyzing the facts.  It’s the frontal lobe of the human mind.  The rest of the animal kingdom doesn’t have this, and they don’t suffer like we do.  Pain is physical; suffering is mental.  Something bad happens and we spend the next 10-20 years of our lives replaying the story in our head.  We analyze and we overthink, seeking some sort of justice for the wrong done to us.  The more we think about it the deeper the neural pathways become.  It’s the power of rational habits.  It’s an addiction.  Bad things will happen again, and we will continue to suffer over and over through mental torment.  Much unneeded suffering is created due to this mind-identification, and we are limited from moving forward with our divine potential.

The greatest tragedy of the human experience is not realizing our potential, and that realization begins with the awareness of the true power we are as the observer and manipulator of our mind.  Once we have gained the power over our mind we have gained the power over our life.  Self-discovery enables one to know one’s true self; self-creation enables one to maximize their greatest potential. 

Upon developing our inner awareness we begin to not only gain power over our mind/ego (and thus control our suffering), but we begin to see its very value as a useful tool in reaching our potentiality.  Our ego is a vehicle.  It may get beaten up on the road.  It may get into some fender-benders.  It will certainly need refueling and repairs.  It may not even make it out alive.  Of course it won’t!  But this vehicle is a gift to be used to reach areas that were unreachable on foot.  Why keep it in the garage to rust because of the fear it may crash?  The vehicle’s purpose is to drive.  The vehicle’s purpose is to explore beyond the garage, the neighborhood, the city, the state, the country.  Going through life it’s tested over and over, and soon the driver realizes he is not the vehicle he drives but the one who operates it.  He starts to become aware of his or her own self as the driver, the one that can turn on and off the car at any moment, the one that decides to make a turn, and the one that pushes the gas pedals harder or breaks.  As the driver begins to trust his or her own ability he or she can drive the vehicle with confidence.  The vehicle they were given now becomes a tool of further expansion and fulfillment.  The driver keeps their vehicle in check, ensuring it is functional and doesn’t lose control again.  As the years pass and the vehicle nears the end of its life, the driver can look at it and smile, thanking it for the journey it enabled him or her to make, for taking him or her to places that only dwelt in the imagination, from turning abstract possibility into reality.  It’s a beautiful story. 

First we are our ego’s character.  Then we start to peel off layers of identity and discover the true power within.  Finally, we recreate our own character based on what we consider our greatest potential.

The question lies: what character do I wish to create?  I’m 26 and feel I’m entering a time of crafting a lasting powerful character.  I’m at a point of my life where I can take the wisdom gained through experience and make it part of an enduring voice.  I have broken down to the core of my being, and now I can rebuild the identity I aspire.  I can be anybody, anything I want to be.  What character will unlock my full potential? 

The vehicle may have been in the garage for years.  It has many more miles to travel. The driver knows who he is now, the creator of his life.  He will ensure he has control over the vehicle.  Now it’s time to turn on the ignition and drive.  

Everything is spiritual

For years I’ve come to believe that I’m a spiritual person.  I believed I had something special to offer, something unique and profound.  I believed I was rare, one of only a few that was actually interested in the spiritual life.  After all, most conversations I overhear are about family, work, politics or drama.  I created an identity of a spiritual man as if I somehow was more spiritual than my neighbor. 

I was wrong.

I knew this Peace Corps experience would reveal to me truths that I hadn’t thought about before.  On my own for two years experiencing a life very different from America, this would be inevitable.  One of these truths has become apparent to me in the last month, and I must write about it.  It has transformed the way I view spirituality, the way I view my life in comparison to everything else around me.  I’m being broken down more and more daily of my identity as a spiritual man.  I’m beginning to see that spirituality is in everything. 

This last weekend I took the Myers-Briggs personality test.  I was labeled an INFJ.  I’ve taken the test several times before.  I once was labeled an INTJ, and before that an INTP.  I think it’s widely understood that any one test doesn’t hold the power to label you in your completeness, nor is any one book, any one idea, or any one belief.  We are much more complex.  At the same time we’re very simple.  When we take tests like this we often brand ourselves with an identity created by the results.  We may recreate ourselves somewhat, trying on a new image.  There was something different about this round of testing and the results though, something that revealed truth.  Before I had answered the questions based on how I wanted to respond.  Therefore whatever I wanted to change about myself always changed the results of the test.  This time I answered with how I actually respond to situations.  For years and years I’ve put on made-up identities and tried out various personalities, because I wasn’t satisfied with my current personality or didn’t really understand it.  I have great respect for the creator of the test, Carl Jung, whom I feel has a like-mind.  After I took the test and the results came back I was stunned by the revelations.  INFJ doesn’t describe me totally, but it comes pretty close generally. 

My primary mode of living is focused internally.  That I already knew.  Every test I’ve taken before resulted in me being a primarily introverted person.  I feel through personal reflection and meditation I become more centered, and it results in more motivation and energy.  After days of social contact I need a day to sit back and reflect, creating understanding and putting my experiences in an ordered perception.  The thing that struck me more so about the test results was how I perceive the world:  intuitively.  This I knew somewhat, but not to the extent the results entailed.  My secondary mode of living is external, where I deal with things according to how I feel about them or how they fit into my personal value system.  Most of the time this is done intuitively.  How true is that!  Gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals; artistic and creative, living in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities.  It goes on and on with the matches.  The description fit me and how I respond.  I don’t consider myself strictly an INFJ, but I do believe my brain is wired close to it.

Why does any of this matter anyway?  Through self-inquiry and self-knowledge we gain the greatest understanding of ourselves and of the world around us.  By really knowing ourselves we unlock endless possibilities and embrace life at its highest potential.  This was the purpose of my quest in the Peace Corps.  Many people fear being left alone with their thoughts.  When one is left in solitude with their own thoughts they realize they are the creator of their perceived world, their relationships, and their life.  Solitude was a commitment practiced by the early Christians and most spiritual teachers.  When they were alone the greatest realizations came to them, those revelations eventually being accepted by a wide majority of people and turned into a religion.  But people started relying on the revelations of others.  Today solitude is widely forgotten.  It is much easier just to take the wide road of deeming others more fit for spiritual authority and instead be a follower or sheep.  But when one begins to practice solitude and being alone with their thoughts they discover something profound: we are the creator of our world.  Everything that has happened to us, every relationship, every memory and experience we’ve had finds its place in our mind, and this mind we can manipulate.  Everything outside of us is part of our mind’s perception.  We are the creators of this mind world, our world alone, alone the perceivers, and this realization haunts those who fear solitude. 

But this is a paradox. 

While we are the dictator of our own reality, we are connected to everyone else’s and everything.  Everything that we see, hear, touch, smell or taste is connected to our mind-world, our world. 

And everything is spiritual. And everything is of God. And God is Love.

I am no more spiritual than my neighbor, or my friend, or my cat.  The key is awareness.  The ant that carries his load to the colony, the cow that eats the grass in the field, the sound of the bird calling out, the stars that shine bright in the sky, the kid that walks up to us on the street, the food that we put in our mouths, the dreams that we have in our sleep, the memories we have of the past, the aspirations we have of the future—all are connected and all are Divine.  Even our suffering. 

Our first goal in this life is to discover our true selves.  Our second goal is to discover that which maximizes the full potential of our true selves.  By finding our true selves we discover who we are.  By discovering our greatest energies we expand the realization of self-discovery and embrace a life of fulfillment.  We were all created for a purpose, and that purpose is fulfillment and understanding of our true selves at the highest level.  Not 20%, not 50%, not even 99%, but 100% fulfillment.  We were created to dream big and fulfill those dreams. 

We go through a constant process of peeling off layers of falsehood, mistaking our identity for roles and fake personalities, when in reality we’re much deeper individuals and unified with the same spirit.  Everything we experience in this life is for our self-discovery and self-fulfillment.  In the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve were created perfect and sinless.  They were told to be fruitful and multiply.  They were fruitful and multiplied, fulfilling their Divine purpose, but they lost touch with their Divine nature.  They went from purity to corruptness, nakedness to fear of their true selves.  

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”  Marianne Williamson/Nelson Mandela

In the vehicles of our bodies and minds and being the conscious energy that we are, we align ourselves to that which makes us come alive, become most radiant, become most powerful, and reach our highest potential in God as our calling. 

I have a greater peace now aligning myself with my true nature.  Instead of trying to be something that I’m not, another false identity, I’m embracing who I am.  I’m not any one label, but I’m discovering my chemistry and what brings me to my highest energy.  I’m not a spiritual man living in a nonspiritual world; I’m a man awakening to my union with a spiritual world.  And there’s beauty and peace.

In awe of perfect sound

 Saturday night, November 2, I had a dream.  I was in a small auditorium with a handful of other people.  I don’t remember who all was there.  I do remember one of my fellow PCVs being there, won’t mention any names.  We were all looking forward where a group of young adults started playing instruments and singing.  They sounded amazing.  Perfect harmony, no bad notes, in tune, and beautiful instrumentation.  After the song ended one shorthaired blonde male that played asked if anyone was feeling directed by the Holy Spirit and wanted to come up and perform a song they wrote.  I certainly had no desire to go up there after that perfect performance.  They were smiling and very positive.  I knew they wouldn’t judge.  Or would they?  What song would I do anyway?  “A Call Out to Time?”  “Real Reward?” “The Offering?”  I would definitely need one that applied to both the religious and secular crowds, as both were present in the audience.  After nobody went up we split off into smaller groups.  I then had a piano in front of me and started to play around.   Oh how long it’s been since I felt the keys of a piano!  A girl next to me heard me and was impressed and wanted me to perform it in front of the whole group.  She was about to call out to the other groups when I told her “Please, not in front of everybody.”  I only played as other’s were distracted.  She held back.  Next thing I remember was the entire group was sitting down in a row on the floor.  Soon everybody was enchanted by the singing of the song “His Eye is on the Sparrow.”  For those that knew it, they sang along in leads and harmonies.  For those who didn’t, they were lost in the bliss of the sound.  I started harmonizing (one other guy was in the same harmony as me!).  It was the most beautiful sense of togetherness I had ever heard and felt.  I was soon brought to tears.  The beauty of the moment ran strong; it was unbelievable.  How did I experience this in a dream?  How rare is it to experience beautiful music like this with people you know, with a familiar but not widely known song, that leaves you speechless during and after in the silence?  I’ve never had a dream like this.