Last week I was in Ulaanbaatar
for training. It was so good to see the
friends I had gotten to know over the summer.
Towards the end of the week I was ready to go home. I had mixed feelings about the whole
event. I was glad to spend time with my
friends, and I took a lot of good pictures to enable reflection in future years. This would be the last time I see these folks
for 8 months. At the same time it felt
as if I had taken a step backward to the summer, as if the last 3 months had
been nearly an illusion. Now that I’m
back home the progress of the 3 months has come back into perspective. This summer had been one of the most
memorable in my life, but now it’s time to progress further beyond it.
An interesting story came out
of last week. I was almost mugged! I was with five other volunteers walking from
the Sunday market, trying to find a taxi.
As we were walking through a crowded bus stop several guys stepped in
our path, throwing off our walking momentum.
After a few seconds they allowed us to get through. We thought the halt was awkward but kept
walking. About a minute later I felt
somebody grab my arms from behind. I
thought it was one of the guys in our group playing around. Then I looked to my left and saw a second
Mongolian guy, in his 20s, holding my left arm.
A third Mongolian man came up in front of me and began unzipping my
front pocket where my wallet was kept. I
wondered before how I would react in a situation like this. Fear wasn’t an option. In fact, I don’t recall any. I simply reacted, reached down and grabbed
the guy’s hand before he could pull anything out. He never got a hold of my wallet. I guess all those years of defending myself
from my older brother and dad while wrestling around paid off! After I was grabbed I was told that Jake, one
of the guy volunteers in our group, separated the guys who were holding me from
behind. I feel if Jake weren’t there
maybe the robbery would’ve been successful.
While attempting to help me his camera was stolen. It was a noble sacrifice he made. I didn’t know how to thank him properly, so I
bought him a beer that night. It’s proof
of how close our group has become. No
stalling out of fear of whether it was a good idea to get involved: reacting in defense of another, valuing the
safety of the group. Standing up for
something he thought was intolerable, a defining characteristic.
This past week I have asked
myself: What do I stand for? What are my defining characteristics?
I grew up with a very strong belief
system. The roots were planted in the
Pentecostal doctrine. I didn’t care how
others reacted to me. I would bring a
Bible to school and try to make Christians.
I would go to the flagpole with my friends and pray as others laughed
and threw things at us. I debated strongly
against evolution, believing it was established to draw us away from God. I studied the debate between Creationism and
evolution intensely so I knew how to respond to criticism. I used to think God was a Republican aiming
to create a “City on the Hill” in America to be an example to the rest of the
world. This was my character in Yelm,
and I was known for it.
When I went to college (a
Methodist university) I felt comfortable to open up. Taking classes in Christian formation and theology,
I began to see the Assembly of God doctrine as one of many. I started to explore the various doctrines
and find commonality between them. Two
commonalities became quite clear and powerful to me: Love (the greatest commandment and who God
is) and its vice, Pride (ego-identification).
I held too much value on the Christian religion itself to explore beyond
it yet. But my mind continued to expand
and assess the various images of God.
In 2010 I was at the lowest point
in my life. People told me God had a
plan. I knew this obviously, but it
certainly didn’t feel like it. I read
everything I could get my hands on regarding suffering and how to go beyond
it. From the story of Job to neuroscience
to the eightfold path of Buddhist philosophy, I began to see that the
commonality I discovered in Christianity extended across religious and secular barriers. Love was universal and could be experienced
and expressed by all and in many different ways. I then discovered that my very ego, my
identity, was the dwelling place of pride, the vice that prevented Love from ever
flowing. As I became aware of this ego I
became aware of my inner self, that is, the one who allowed the ego to take
over my awareness. I realized I (the
inner self) was actually the creator of my identity, not the identity itself. I could then see how I had allowed my
suffering to continue. I became aware
that I could shut off my suffering at any moment by dis-identifying with my identity
and my thoughts. I am not my mind. With this
awareness my suffering disappeared, and my desire to create my life enhanced. I was coming to know myself (and God)
mystically and deeply, not through a mask that was created by man-made religion. I became aware God was within me
every present moment, the Source of my very being.
As one steps back and sees the identity
they have invented they realize they are responsible. With that responsibility comes both progressive
and limiting traits, and with those limiting traits comes suffering. I sympathize:
bad things happen to good people.
There’s no need to analyze it; they just do. But that’s it. Bad
things happen to good people. Nothing
to add. There’s a distinction we must
make, I’ve come to discover, if we desire to take control over our own lives
and over our own suffering. That
distinction is between the facts and the stories we create in our head. Fact: bad things happen to good people. Story: every other thought that comes after
that. 90% of our thinking is in the
realm of story-creating, analyzing the facts.
It’s the frontal lobe of the human mind.
The rest of the animal kingdom doesn’t have this, and they don’t suffer
like we do. Pain is physical; suffering
is mental. Something bad happens and we
spend the next 10-20 years of our lives replaying the story in our head. We analyze and we overthink, seeking some
sort of justice for the wrong done to us.
The more we think about it the deeper the neural pathways become. It’s the power of rational habits. It’s an addiction. Bad things will happen again, and we will
continue to suffer over and over through mental torment. Much unneeded suffering is created due to this
mind-identification, and we are limited from moving forward with our divine
potential.
The greatest tragedy of the
human experience is not realizing our potential, and that realization begins
with the awareness of the true power we are as the observer and manipulator of
our mind. Once we have gained the power
over our mind we have gained the power over our life. Self-discovery enables one to know one’s true
self; self-creation enables one to maximize their greatest potential.
Upon developing our inner awareness we begin
to not only gain power over our mind/ego (and thus control our suffering), but
we begin to see its very value as a useful tool in reaching our potentiality. Our ego is a vehicle. It may get beaten up on the road. It may get into some fender-benders. It will certainly need refueling and repairs. It may not even make it out alive. Of course it won’t! But this vehicle is a gift to be used to reach
areas that were unreachable on foot. Why
keep it in the garage to rust because of the fear it may crash? The vehicle’s purpose is to drive. The vehicle’s purpose is to explore beyond
the garage, the neighborhood, the city, the state, the country. Going through life it’s tested over and over,
and soon the driver realizes he is not the vehicle he drives but the one who operates
it. He starts to become aware of his or
her own self as the driver, the one that can turn on and off the car at any
moment, the one that decides to make a turn, and the one that pushes the gas
pedals harder or breaks. As the driver begins
to trust his or her own ability he or she can drive the vehicle with
confidence. The vehicle they were given
now becomes a tool of further expansion and fulfillment. The driver keeps their vehicle in check,
ensuring it is functional and doesn’t lose control again. As the years pass and the vehicle nears the
end of its life, the driver can look at it and smile, thanking it for the
journey it enabled him or her to make, for taking him or her to places that
only dwelt in the imagination, from turning abstract possibility into
reality. It’s a beautiful story.
First we are our ego’s
character. Then we start to peel off
layers of identity and discover the true power within. Finally, we recreate our own character based
on what we consider our greatest potential.
The question lies: what
character do I wish to create? I’m 26 and feel I’m entering a time of crafting a lasting powerful
character. I’m at a point of my life
where I can take the wisdom gained through experience and make it part of an enduring
voice. I have broken down to the core of
my being, and now I can rebuild the identity I aspire. I can
be anybody, anything I want to be. What character
will unlock my full potential?
The vehicle may have been in the garage
for years. It has many more miles to
travel. The driver knows who he is now, the creator of his life. He will ensure he has control over the
vehicle. Now it’s time to turn on the ignition
and drive.
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