This last week I made an interesting observation about
myself. Someone that is really close to me had me read an email she had sent to
her husband. The couple had been separated for some time. The man had been very
abusive to her during their marriage. I heard so many stories, frightening
experiences no one should have to suffer from. I grew to hate the man that
caused her so much pain. As I read the email I noticed it was kind towards him.
I thought it was too kind, and I grew angrier at the man. I let her know my
feelings. I thought the most appropriate email would be one that was a dagger
to his heart.
I’m not typically an angry person, so it was surprising to
me that I reacted so emotionally. When I was first going through the reaction,
I was completely unaware of my anger. I just felt angry. It wasn’t until this
someone close to me recognized my atypical response that my “blind spot” was
revealed to me.
So many times in our lives we react to things without really
observing what triggered that reaction. We are often unaware of the source of
these reactions. We certainly feel them. Many of us go no further than merely experiencing
the reaction, and as a result we experience these same reactions over and over
in our lives. The unassessed life is an
unchanged life.
In order to make the
changes we want in our lives and grow to our full potential we must first
become aware of ourselves.
One Oxford dictionary defined self-awareness as the conscious knowledge of one’s character,
feelings, motives, and desires. Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits for Highly Effective People,
defined self-awareness as follows:
“Self-awareness is
our capacity to stand apart from ourselves and examine our thinking, our
motives, our
history, our scripts, our actions, and our habits and tendencies.”
John Maxwell, one of the top leadership teachers in the world,
describes in his book 17 Invaluable Laws
of Growth that awareness is like reading “YOU ARE HERE” on a map when you
want to find your way to a destination.
7 Signs You’re Not Aware
Consultant and executive coach Steve Tobak wrote about seven signs that
can tell you if you’re operating from a low level of awareness.
You’re a bully.
You’re defensive.
You’re controlling.
You’re passive-aggressive.
Your behavior changes often.
You’re grandiose.
You make excuses.
Do you exhibit any of these signs? If so, read on!
Tools to Help Grow Your Awareness
Johari Window
Created by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in 1955, the Johari Window
is a technique used to help people understand their relationship with
themselves and others. In my coaching practice, I like to use this tool as a
visual to increase self-awareness. On the top of the Johari Window is written Known to Self and Unknown to Self, describing your own awareness. On the left of the
chart is written Known to Others and Unknown to Others, describing other
people’s awareness of you. That which is both known to yourself and to others
is your public self. That which is
known to yourself but not known by others is your hidden self. What is unknown to you but known to others are your blind spots, and what is unknown to both
yourself and to others is your unconscious
self. The goal of self-awareness is to transform areas unknown to you (blind spots and unconscious self) to the consciously-driven public
self and hidden self.
Active Observation Using the Awareness Wheel
American author and speaker Deepak Chopra says “Self-awareness is not
just relaxation and not just meditation; it must combine relaxation with
activity and dynamism.”
To increase your awareness you must learn to actively observe yourself.
Below your thoughts, below your feelings and behaviors is the space of pure
consciousness. This space is the core of YOU, the “I”. You get to this place
when you dis-identify with thought, feeling, or behavior. From this space you
can begin to be the observer of your life. You can observe your thoughts
without getting too affected by them. You can observe your feelings without them
getting out of control. You can observe and learn from your reactions. Don’t
attach to any of them; just observe. After learning about the power of
observation, I began to apply it in my life. For five years I practiced
observing my thoughts. I soon became a “Master Observer.” My awareness grew
substantially during this process. When you become aware that you experience
sadness when hearing a certain song, you gain the power over yourself to choose
whether you go through that same experience. It’s only when you act (not play
the song anymore) that you can stop that reaction. Not only will observation create
a greater space for pure consciousness to grow within yourself but you’ll soon
begin to actively master the different parts of yourself you once thought were
uncontrollable.
There are TEN AREAS
of yourself that you can begin to actively observe. On a piece of paper, draw a
large circle about ten inches in diameter, as well as a small circle in the
middle of the large circle about an inch in diameter. In the small circle write
“I” the Observer. Outside of the
small circle, divide the large circle into ten equal parts. Divide it up like
you would a pie. Then in each of the ten parts, add the following:
1. Thoughts
Your mind is a massive-producing
machine. It has been estimated that the human mind produces 50,000-70,000
thoughts per day, or 35-48 thoughts per minute. That is a lot to keep in mind! The real question is, how many of
these thoughts are you consciously observing and how many operate in the auto-pilot
mode of the unconscious? Start to observe your thoughts. Don’t attach to any one
thought. Simply observe each thought, accept each thought, then let each
thought go.
2. Story (past)
We each have a unique life
story. Many of us had great childhoods. Others have had very disturbing experiences.
Take some time to recap your life in a brief autobiography. Be sure to include
the most significant events and memories. Don’t exclude the bad experiences. Whatever
you write down will serve you in the growth of your awareness. Learn to appreciate
the past and all the lessons you’ve learned.
3. Habits and behaviors
Our habits and behaviors are
actions we’ve developed subconsciously. We don’t often think about our habits.
Brushing our teeth in the mornings and evenings is mostly done subconsciously
(unless you have trouble forgetting to brush your teeth!). Though we may
consciously choose what we’re going to wear, actually getting dressed and ready
for the day is primarily subconscious. In certain activities like sports and
music, we practice and develop habits so when we play a game or concert, we can
trust our subconscious to perform. Most of what we do is subconscious. What are
some habits or behaviors you have that you do without thinking? Start to become
conscious of your subconscious.
4. Motives
Why do you do what you do? What
leads you to act in certain ways? Identify your deeper intentions. What is the
underlining motive behind your actions?
5. Passions
Think about what you really
enjoy. Maybe it’s a sport, playing an instrument, or spending time with a significant
other. Then ask yourself: how often do I engage in these passions? Are there
certain passions you need to engage in more?
6. Strengths/Weaknesses
Take out a piece of paper and
divide it in two by drawing a line down the middle. On the left write
“Strengths” and on the right write “Weaknesses”. List as many strengths and
weaknesses as you can. Focus on maximizing your strengths and delegating your
weaknesses.
7. Identity and Roles
All of us hold a certain identity
(or image) of ourselves which contain many different roles. I see myself in
continual roles as a teacher, a coach, a father, a son, a spouse, a historian,
an athlete, a musician, and a Christian. These various roles may be positive or
negative. All roles are significant, but no role is absolute. In a world of
great diversity, our identity helps distinguish us from the crowd. While your
roles are a huge part of your identity, they are but a small part of who you
are. You are a much deeper, a much more diverse human being. Observe the
various roles you’ve adopted for yourself. How do these roles make you feel?
Are there other roles you wish to incorporate into your life?
8. Feelings
Feelings are often difficult to observe,
especially when in the midst of the emotion. The emotional brain has the power
and ability to control our consciousness in the midst of the emotional high or
low and temporarily shut off the execute part of our frontal lobe that makes
decisions and solves problems. Before we can control our feelings and responses,
we must first stand apart from those feelings and observe ourselves. When you’re
going through an emotional high or low, take 2-3 deep breaths (or more if you
need to), observe your present emotion, and identify the trigger for those present
feelings. If you’re still unable to operate from your executive brain, take a
few more deep breaths until you’ve gained a little bit of control.
9. Desire (future)
What do you want to accomplish
in this life? Do you want a family? Do you want to write a best-selling novel? Do
you want to run an orphanage? Write down your life goals and some short-term
goals you can work to accomplish in the next year to get you closer to those
bigger life goals.
10. Intuition
Beneath the endless sea of
thought there lies a place of deeper guidance, an inner voice. This is your
intuition. Intuition is the ability to fully understand something immediately
without the need for conscious reasoning. If you’re from a religious
background, you could identify this voice as God. So many of us try to take
charge and control everything that goes on in our lives (an impossible task). Perhaps
all we need to do is take a break from ourselves and simply listen to that inner voice. What is that voice saying to you?
Keep a journal.
Different than a diary, a journal is a
way to document your thoughts, measure your awareness, and is a great way to be
in-tune with yourself and your ambitions. See patterns emerge that you once
were unaware of. Whatever you can measure, you can improve. A bullet journal is
a great way to stay organized (google or Pinterest “bullet journal” to get
ideas). Somebody once gave me the suggestion that every day I should write down
three things that are bothering me (venting), three things that I’m grateful for
(gratitude) and three things you want to accomplish (goal-setting).
Make an 18-month plan.
Coming from the work of Peter Drucker,
before you make any major decision write down your 18-month plan including all
possible decisions. 18 months is not too short, where the goal may be
unachievable, and not too long, where you may lose motivation. 18 months is the
perfect outlook. Where do you see yourself in 18 months if you make this
decision?
Ask others to identify your “blind spots.”
Feedback is crucial for any individual
or organizational success. Only when you are humbled can you grow. When you ask
for feedback, you enable yourself to grow in those areas you’re completely
unaware of but areas others’ notice. If you receive the same feedback from
several different individuals, that is the area where the focus ought to be.
Meditation
and prayer.
It has been commonly shown that meditation grows your awareness. When a
population of monks who had mediated for 10,000-50,000 hours were tested by
neuro scientists, they were shown to have a very active frontal lobe. Their
ability to focus was extraordinary. In contrast, when a group of randomly
selected individuals was chosen to do the same experiment, focusing seemed to
be very difficult. For those who have meditated or begun to meditate, you may
have a similar experience. I know I have. Meditation needs to become routine
before any real effects are sustained. Likewise, prayer is a great tool to use
to get in touch with who you are and open up windows of awareness.
Use these tools in your own life and see how effective they
are. If they don’t work, discard them.
Find what works best for you. If you do find something that is beneficial to
you, please comment your revelations.
May you start to become the observer of your life, may you
grow in your awareness of yourself, and may you start to make the great changes
you want in your life.
Quotes about Awareness
The first step toward
change is awareness.
Nathaniel Branden
Awareness is the
greatest agent for change.
Eckhart Tolle
Awareness is like the
sun. When it shines on things, they are transformed.
Thich Nhat Hanh
The key to growth is
the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
What is necessary to
change a person is to change his awareness of himself.
Abraham Maslow
What I am looking for
is not out there, it is in me.
Helen Keller
I think
self-awareness is probably the most important thing towards being a champion.
Billie Jean King
Without
self-awareness we are as babies in the cradles.
Virginia Woolf
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