Intentional Action- Strategies for Identifying and Overcoming Fear

In college I lived with my brother in an apartment in downtown Seattle. I remember how we used to talk about traveling together to a foreign country. I had previous international travel experiences in Spain, Portugal, England and South Africa, and Cory had been to Italy, Spain and Jamaica. As the travel fever increased, so did our passion to travel together.

Year after year we talked about possible travel plans, but nothing ever seemed to work out. Traveling was expensive, and we had many bills to worry about paying. Besides airfare there were the costs of hotels, food, in-country transportation, travel guides and souvenirs.  We weren’t sure if we would be able to pay our basic bills if we decided to explore a new country. Year after year we waited for the paycheck to increase so we could travel. The bills kept on coming in. Paycheck to paycheck we had little at the end of the month. Traveling never happened.

Fear prevented us from moving forward, fear of the unknown. We weren’t sure if we would be able to afford such a dream. This mindset kept us locked in and unable to break free.

Finally in 2011, we decided we had to take a risk. I went online and searched for cheap tickets to different places in the world. Of all the countries that intrigued us, Costa Rica ended up being our top choice. Then we bought two tickets. I remember feeling like I had lost a large chunk of my available resources. I felt broke and empty. But at the same time, I was ecstatic about the upcoming trip with my brother, and he was excited too. That summer, we spent two weeks traveling the eastern coasts of Costa Rica and Panama. We explored the diverse Costa Rican rainforests and swamps, hunted for snakes, ate some awesome Caribbean food, and built friendships with people from all over the world that still endure today. When we came back to the States, we could only reflect on the unique experiences we had. The payoff was well worth what we spent months prior.

The Truth About Fear

There are two types of fear. Rational fears are the instinctual fear we possess that keeps us safe. These fears include the fear of pain and the fear of death. It’s the fear that says don’t jump in a pool of sharks. It’s the fear that says it’s probably not the best idea to hang over the edge of a 10-story building. It’s the fear that says to not stick your hand in a pot of boiling water. Rational fear is necessary for our protection from things that could potentially cause us harm or lead to death. The second type of fear is irrational fears. Irrational fears are well-hidden. They are less recognizable than rational fears for they are buried deeper within us. Irrational fears are not necessary and hold us back from reaching our full potential. Here is a list of eight of the most common irrational fears. By identifying which of these fears you tend to gravitate to you greatly reduce their power in your life.

- Fear of rejection

- Fear of abandonment

-Fear of failure

- Fear of success

- Fear of being judged

- Fear of the unknown/fear of change

- Fear of not being good or smart enough

- Fear of humiliation

Dallas Brown lists three truths about irrational fear:

         * Irrational fear is irrational. “Something horrible is going to happen to me if I….” My Great Uncle Bob was a fabulous musician and preacher. He used to teach us nieces and nephews using acronyms. One of the acronyms he used frequently was FEAR- False Evidence Appearing Real. In the animal world, rational fear is necessary to survive. It is our fight-or-flight response. We often fear, however, outside of life-and-death scenarios (irrational fear). If you fear missing a day of work to spend with your family because you might get fired, this is an irrational fear (fear of the unknown). If you fear your family’s response if you decide to take a job in another city, this fear is irrational (fear of rejection or fear of abandonment). This fearful self-talk prevents you from moving forward towards your desired result.

       * Irrational fear exaggerates. Irrational fear has a tendency to blow up minor issues into major catastrophes. The fear itself is more often greater than that what is feared. My grandpa Cam was set to give his testimony at a church service one evening. He was excited to give his testimony, but he also had the fear of humiliation. You see, he had a major stuttering problem, and he was consciously aware of that problem. It affected him. It affected his schooling. It’s partially the reason he dropped out of the 8^th grade. The day leading up to his speech, Cam prayed, “God, please help me to not stutter.” That evening on the podium, he stuttered every word of his testimony. He fought through to the end, and as he left the podium he vowed never to speak in front of people again. On his way out the door, an older lady grabbed his arm and told him, “Young man, that was the most powerful testimony I’ve ever heard.” My grandpa Cam was very surprised by the lady’s response. Something switched in his head, because from that moment forward Cam made another vow. This time he vowed that he would tell his testimony to everybody he encountered, whether it be one-on-one, in small groups, or on a stage in front of a large audience. It’s also interesting to note that from that moment on Cam never stuttered again! Fear has a way of making situations worse than they actually are.   

      * Irrational fear justifies and makes excuses. When I was in college, I had a hard time saying no to my peers. Friends used to come up and invite me to attend various events and parties. I had no passion to go. After a long day I much rather had stayed in my room and watched a movie with popcorn. But I would always respond YES to their invitation because I didn’t want them to be upset with me. A few hours later I would purposely send them a text informing them that something came up and I could no longer go. The first few times I did this they brushed it off, but soon they stopped inviting me to go to different places. It reminded me of the story The Boy Who Cried ‘Wolf’, except this story was The Boy Who Cried ‘Yes’. As a result, my friends automatically assumed I wasn’t interested in going with them. This fear of abandonment led me to make one excuse after another, and though I felt justified at the time doing so, I later realized my words could no longer be trusted. It would have been much better to say no and face the fear of abandonment. Making excuses proved to be more work and detrimental in my relationships.

Irrational fear prevents you from moving forward towards your intended destination. Intentions are great, but they are not enough to overcome fear. To overcome fear you must ACT. As President John F. Kennedy said, “There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction.” Or as Leonardo da Vinci said, “Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation…even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind.” Action is the bridge that leads one from intention to desired results. In any given situation, we are given a choice to surrender to our fear or to overcome our fear. Those choices can be represented in two acronyms: you can choose to either Forget Every And Run or you can Face Everything And Rise. The choice is yours.

How to Overcome Your Fear

   1. Identify your fear by name. First state your intended goal you want to achieve. Then ask yourself, What’s holding me back from accomplishing this goal? After identifying the obstacle, ask yourself again why you haven’t moved forward. Continue the process until you’ve identified what fear disguise you have buried within yourself. Don’t judge your fear; acknowledge it. Start to analyze the triggers for that fear.

         2. Ask yourself what fears and anxieties you have brought into this situation. Then ask yourself how you reacted to those fears and anxieties.

         3. Breathe deeply. Deep breathing relaxes the body instead of initiating the fight-or-flight response.

         4. 'Do It Now’ Meditation. When I studied under John Maxwell I remember him teaching me a strategy to help push one towards action. I call it the ‘Do It Now’ Meditation. Every morning with your intended goal in mind, say to yourself “Do it now” fifty times. Then every evening before you go to bed repeat “Do it now” with the intended goal in mind. This will build a sense of urgency for action.

        5. Take action. Action forces us to face our fear. Action forces us to risk failure, being wrong, or getting hurt. Inaction, however, will guarantee your life stays as it is. Act TODAY. Take the first step towards your goal. If you can’t do it now, plan when you will do it.

        6. Hire a life coach. A life coach helps you to get to where you want to go. If dealing with trauma, work with a counselor or therapist.

        7. Invite others to hold you accountable. Another option is to have others hold you accountable for reaching your intended goals.

              8. Stop making excuses! Use the following formula to hash out an action plan to move forward.

                X= Intended goal             Y= Excuse            Z= Intended action        

Part 1: I want _______X_______ but _______Y_______.

Part 2: I want _______X_______ and _______Y_______, so ________Z_______.

Awareness is the first step towards reaching your full potential. Intentional action helps you to overcome the obstacles driven by fear that hold you back from reaching your goals.

Quotes about Intentional Action:

Always do what you’re afraid to do.

Ralph W. Emerson

There is always a gap between intention and action.

Paulo Coehlo

Take action! An inch of movement will bring you closer to your goals than a mile of intention.

Dr. Steve Maraboli

People are anxious to improve their circumstances but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound.

James Allen

Your largest fear carries your greatest growth.

Unknown

It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it.

Ecclesiastes 5:5

Awareness- The Foundation of Personal Growth

This last week I made an interesting observation about myself. Someone that is really close to me had me read an email she had sent to her husband. The couple had been separated for some time. The man had been very abusive to her during their marriage. I heard so many stories, frightening experiences no one should have to suffer from. I grew to hate the man that caused her so much pain. As I read the email I noticed it was kind towards him. I thought it was too kind, and I grew angrier at the man. I let her know my feelings. I thought the most appropriate email would be one that was a dagger to his heart.

I’m not typically an angry person, so it was surprising to me that I reacted so emotionally. When I was first going through the reaction, I was completely unaware of my anger. I just felt angry. It wasn’t until this someone close to me recognized my atypical response that my “blind spot” was revealed to me.

So many times in our lives we react to things without really observing what triggered that reaction. We are often unaware of the source of these reactions. We certainly feel them. Many of us go no further than merely experiencing the reaction, and as a result we experience these same reactions over and over in our lives. The unassessed life is an unchanged life.  

In order to make the changes we want in our lives and grow to our full potential we must first become aware of ourselves. 

One Oxford dictionary defined self-awareness as the conscious knowledge of one’s character, feelings, motives, and desires. Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits for Highly Effective People, defined self-awareness as follows:

                “Self-awareness is our capacity to stand apart from ourselves and examine our thinking, our

                motives, our history, our scripts, our actions, and our habits and tendencies.”

John Maxwell, one of the top leadership teachers in the world, describes in his book 17 Invaluable Laws of Growth that awareness is like reading “YOU ARE HERE” on a map when you want to find your way to a destination.

7 Signs You’re Not Aware

Consultant and executive coach Steve Tobak wrote about seven signs that can tell you if you’re operating from a low level of awareness.

You’re a bully.

You’re defensive.

You’re controlling.

You’re passive-aggressive.

Your behavior changes often.

You’re grandiose.

You make excuses.

Do you exhibit any of these signs? If so, read on!

Tools to Help Grow Your Awareness

Johari Window

Created by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in 1955, the Johari Window is a technique used to help people understand their relationship with themselves and others. In my coaching practice, I like to use this tool as a visual to increase self-awareness. On the top of the Johari Window is written Known to Self and Unknown to Self, describing your own awareness. On the left of the chart is written Known to Others and Unknown to Others, describing other people’s awareness of you. That which is both known to yourself and to others is your public self. That which is known to yourself but not known by others is your hidden self. What is unknown to you but known to others are your blind spots, and what is unknown to both yourself and to others is your unconscious self. The goal of self-awareness is to transform areas unknown to you (blind spots and unconscious self) to the consciously-driven  public self and hidden self.

Active Observation Using the Awareness Wheel

American author and speaker Deepak Chopra says “Self-awareness is not just relaxation and not just meditation; it must combine relaxation with activity and dynamism.”

To increase your awareness you must learn to actively observe yourself. Below your thoughts, below your feelings and behaviors is the space of pure consciousness. This space is the core of YOU, the “I”. You get to this place when you dis-identify with thought, feeling, or behavior. From this space you can begin to be the observer of your life. You can observe your thoughts without getting too affected by them. You can observe your feelings without them getting out of control. You can observe and learn from your reactions. Don’t attach to any of them; just observe. After learning about the power of observation, I began to apply it in my life. For five years I practiced observing my thoughts. I soon became a “Master Observer.” My awareness grew substantially during this process. When you become aware that you experience sadness when hearing a certain song, you gain the power over yourself to choose whether you go through that same experience. It’s only when you act (not play the song anymore) that you can stop that reaction. Not only will observation create a greater space for pure consciousness to grow within yourself but you’ll soon begin to actively master the different parts of yourself you once thought were uncontrollable.  

There are TEN AREAS of yourself that you can begin to actively observe. On a piece of paper, draw a large circle about ten inches in diameter, as well as a small circle in the middle of the large circle about an inch in diameter. In the small circle write “I” the Observer. Outside of the small circle, divide the large circle into ten equal parts. Divide it up like you would a pie. Then in each of the ten parts, add the following:

      1. Thoughts

Your mind is a massive-producing machine. It has been estimated that the human mind produces 50,000-70,000 thoughts per day, or 35-48 thoughts per minute. That is a lot to keep in mind! The real question is, how many of these thoughts are you consciously observing and how many operate in the auto-pilot mode of the unconscious? Start to observe your thoughts. Don’t attach to any one thought. Simply observe each thought, accept each thought, then let each thought go.

      2. Story (past)

We each have a unique life story. Many of us had great childhoods. Others have had very disturbing experiences. Take some time to recap your life in a brief autobiography. Be sure to include the most significant events and memories. Don’t exclude the bad experiences. Whatever you write down will serve you in the growth of your awareness. Learn to appreciate the past and all the lessons you’ve learned.

      3. Habits and behaviors

Our habits and behaviors are actions we’ve developed subconsciously. We don’t often think about our habits. Brushing our teeth in the mornings and evenings is mostly done subconsciously (unless you have trouble forgetting to brush your teeth!). Though we may consciously choose what we’re going to wear, actually getting dressed and ready for the day is primarily subconscious. In certain activities like sports and music, we practice and develop habits so when we play a game or concert, we can trust our subconscious to perform. Most of what we do is subconscious. What are some habits or behaviors you have that you do without thinking? Start to become conscious of your subconscious.

      4. Motives

Why do you do what you do? What leads you to act in certain ways? Identify your deeper intentions. What is the underlining motive behind your actions?

      5. Passions

Think about what you really enjoy. Maybe it’s a sport, playing an instrument, or spending time with a significant other. Then ask yourself: how often do I engage in these passions? Are there certain passions you need to engage in more?

      6. Strengths/Weaknesses

Take out a piece of paper and divide it in two by drawing a line down the middle. On the left write “Strengths” and on the right write “Weaknesses”. List as many strengths and weaknesses as you can. Focus on maximizing your strengths and delegating your weaknesses.

      7. Identity and Roles

All of us hold a certain identity (or image) of ourselves which contain many different roles. I see myself in continual roles as a teacher, a coach, a father, a son, a spouse, a historian, an athlete, a musician, and a Christian. These various roles may be positive or negative. All roles are significant, but no role is absolute. In a world of great diversity, our identity helps distinguish us from the crowd. While your roles are a huge part of your identity, they are but a small part of who you are. You are a much deeper, a much more diverse human being. Observe the various roles you’ve adopted for yourself. How do these roles make you feel? Are there other roles you wish to incorporate into your life?

          8. Feelings

Feelings are often difficult to observe, especially when in the midst of the emotion. The emotional brain has the power and ability to control our consciousness in the midst of the emotional high or low and temporarily shut off the execute part of our frontal lobe that makes decisions and solves problems. Before we can control our feelings and responses, we must first stand apart from those feelings and observe ourselves. When you’re going through an emotional high or low, take 2-3 deep breaths (or more if you need to), observe your present emotion, and identify the trigger for those present feelings. If you’re still unable to operate from your executive brain, take a few more deep breaths until you’ve gained a little bit of control.

          9. Desire (future)

What do you want to accomplish in this life? Do you want a family? Do you want to write a best-selling novel? Do you want to run an orphanage? Write down your life goals and some short-term goals you can work to accomplish in the next year to get you closer to those bigger life goals.

      10. Intuition

Beneath the endless sea of thought there lies a place of deeper guidance, an inner voice. This is your intuition. Intuition is the ability to fully understand something immediately without the need for conscious reasoning. If you’re from a religious background, you could identify this voice as God. So many of us try to take charge and control everything that goes on in our lives (an impossible task). Perhaps all we need to do is take a break from ourselves and simply listen to that inner voice. What is that voice saying to you?

Keep a journal.

Different than a diary, a journal is a way to document your thoughts, measure your awareness, and is a great way to be in-tune with yourself and your ambitions. See patterns emerge that you once were unaware of. Whatever you can measure, you can improve. A bullet journal is a great way to stay organized (google or Pinterest “bullet journal” to get ideas). Somebody once gave me the suggestion that every day I should write down three things that are bothering me (venting), three things that I’m grateful for (gratitude) and three things you want to accomplish (goal-setting).

Make an 18-month plan.

Coming from the work of Peter Drucker, before you make any major decision write down your 18-month plan including all possible decisions. 18 months is not too short, where the goal may be unachievable, and not too long, where you may lose motivation. 18 months is the perfect outlook. Where do you see yourself in 18 months if you make this decision?

Ask others to identify your “blind spots.”

Feedback is crucial for any individual or organizational success. Only when you are humbled can you grow. When you ask for feedback, you enable yourself to grow in those areas you’re completely unaware of but areas others’ notice. If you receive the same feedback from several different individuals, that is the area where the focus ought to be.

Meditation and prayer.

It has been commonly shown that meditation grows your awareness. When a population of monks who had mediated for 10,000-50,000 hours were tested by neuro scientists, they were shown to have a very active frontal lobe. Their ability to focus was extraordinary. In contrast, when a group of randomly selected individuals was chosen to do the same experiment, focusing seemed to be very difficult. For those who have meditated or begun to meditate, you may have a similar experience. I know I have. Meditation needs to become routine before any real effects are sustained. Likewise, prayer is a great tool to use to get in touch with who you are and open up windows of awareness.

Use these tools in your own life and see how effective they are.  If they don’t work, discard them. Find what works best for you. If you do find something that is beneficial to you, please comment your revelations.

May you start to become the observer of your life, may you grow in your awareness of yourself, and may you start to make the great changes you want in your life. 

 Quotes about Awareness

The first step toward change is awareness.

Nathaniel Branden

Awareness is the greatest agent for change.

Eckhart Tolle

Awareness is like the sun. When it shines on things, they are transformed.

Thich Nhat Hanh

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.

Lao Tzu

What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.

Abraham Maslow

What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.

Helen Keller

I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing towards being a champion.

Billie Jean King

Without self-awareness we are as babies in the cradles.

Virginia Woolf