The past few weeks have been
progressively getting colder here in Choibalsan. The green leaves of summer have turned their color,
and nearly all of them have fallen. The
air is crisper, and the days are shortening.
Everyday I watch the sun set further and further southwest. I remember in my Environmental Science class
learning about the sun’s changing path in the sky, never fully moving east to
west, outside of the equator. The skies
are full of wonders and endless discoveries.
The sensation of the approaching winter is growing day by day. Winter brings a calmness to the environment,
as both man and creature find their place in warmer shelter and plant growth
halts. It’s going to be a noteworthy
winter, my first away from my family and close friends. It’ll also be the first since the loss of my
Grandmother. The holiday season brought the
many birthdays of my sister, my brother, my mom, and my Grandma, besides the
family gatherings at Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s. This season will see a new memory with the
reflection of the old. When it’s over,
previous traditions will be placed further back in the subconscious. Memories are valuable. They must not prevent us, though, from moving
forward. Today is a new day.
As the noise in the
background turns to whispers the mind is left in an environment of vivid creativity. The upcoming season is one with the highest
depression rates amongst uncontrolled minds.
We can easily become addicted to negative thought patterns if negative
thoughts dominate the silence of winter.
When one has taken control of the mind, dis-identifying with it, one has
gained the power to manipulate their mind to the highest positive benefit. With the events of the last year and the fact
that I’m living alone, now is the time to put this truth to the test. I have prepared for this experience.
The last year or so I have
discovered the power of thoughts upon first awakening in the early morning
hours. Things seem so clear to me, and
my intuition is elevated. One night last
week I awoke in the middle of the night. As soon as I awoke the reality of inevitable
death fell upon my mind. It scared
me. I’ve thought about it many times
before, especially this last year with Grandma’s death. I’ve always viewed death in a positive light,
understanding the beauty of the circle of life. But this night I experienced a darker reality: someday I’m not going to exist, my thoughts,
my feelings, my mind, and my body. My
memories will disappear. It’s a relentless
fate. No one is spared. This
world will no longer be our home. My
Grandma left. So did my Grandma Rothwell. My Grandpa Iverson and many other friends and
family throughout the years have left their loved ones behind. The feeling of fear shook me. Death felt like an overpowering source and I
a helpless soul. Thankfully, it didn’t
last long.
I don’t wish to justify my
belief in a “light at the end of the tunnel,” though I do have such a belief. I wish instead to focus on what I do know through
my own experience and be true to myself and what this night awakened in me: a response.
I want to exist. I want to
live. I want to breathe and experience
and love. The years will creep up on me. Before I know it I’ll be laying in that bed,
doped up on morphine and oxycodone, in labored breathing surrounded by my loved
ones who will move on. But that time is not now.
I am alive. I am breathing. I am not dead. What am I supposed to experience in this life
before I return to a non-physical, non-emotional, and non-thoughtful existence? What do I want out of this life?
I want to experience what I
can’t experience when I’m dead. I want
to experience life at its extremes. Whether
it be the low negative occurrences or the high positive involvements, all are
gifts to my self-inquiry. There are many
emotions to be lived: happiness, joy,
depression, anger, sadness, wonder, and falling in love (along with many
others). There’s no way of knowing these highs and lows unless we
experience them for ourselves. I read an
article last week that said women fall in love on average seven times before
they marry. I don’t know where this
information came from. I assume if this
is actually a fact that the same would apply to men. The romantic view presented in Disney movies
of falling in love once with our soul mate and living happily ever after is
quickly removed through experience. I
can account for this myself, as I’ve experienced the emotional high of falling
in love more than once. Why is falling
in love so appealing? Because it tunes into
one of the highest frequencies in our emotional self. By leaving this frequency, of course, comes a
rough decline that could easily send one into a low experience. That is a chance lovers are willing to take.
We have an opportunity to witness
the thrills of life. We create every
experience. Though certain emotions can
lead to darker times, it is often through these experiences we gain the
greatest realizations. Before every mountain is a valley. Through my darkest months many years back I
awoke to a world I didn’t know existed, one grander and more beautiful. Life became a mystical wonder. I felt I shed the layer of a manmade view of
God and came to know God myself. “All
things work together for good.”
Two weeks ago I watched the
movie “Yes Man.” It’s about a man who
was going through hopelessness after a divorce.
He always said “No” to new experiences.
He lost the respect of his friends and was living in a routine of grey. After going to a self-help event that
encouraged him to say “Yes” to new experiences, he began using the word when
opportunities presented themselves. His
life soon transformed, and it became exciting. He reached a new height of life. I believe this movie had a great point: saying “Yes” to experiences.
Our bodies and our minds are
mere vehicles for our experience here on earth.
The only constant is the soul or spirit, which is distinguishable from
the mind and always present, always reliable, and always the same. We must use our vehicles when they’re in good
shape to maximize our life experience and travel to unmarked territories.
This winter I will go through
a new experience of a similar holiday occurrence. The winters get really cold here, and I’m
curious to see how the Mongolians adapt. They’ve been doing it for thousands of
years. I have started a new workout
routine that I’ve maintained. I’m
constantly reading, writing, and preparing meals for myself. I have new-found respect for my mother, seeing how
she cooked for the family steadily for nearly thirty years. If you want variety you have to put some
effort into it. It’s not easy to find a
store that serves you hot food or already-made dishes around here. I cook for myself out of natural ingredients, and
I’ve developed the virtue of patience doing so.
With the developing skills of cooking and giving massages I may start
the bidding for a wife here real soon. Right! So maybe that’s not a top priority right
now. “Boardwalk Empire” has become my
new favorite show. Nucky Thompson is my
hero. How he pulls off the long shots of
survival leaves me in awe.
I’m newly motivated with a
five-year plan to pay off all my debts, buy a used vehicle and camper to where
I can travel throughout the States, teach, make a trip to Minnesota/Wisconsin, traverse
the mountains of Peru, begin my Masters degree, watch my brother play his last
two years of high school sports, and buy a hostel in Central America. I’m teaching 10 classes a week and have helped
establish an English club with my Mongolian counterpart. We are setting up an English competition and
Halloween party next week. I’m curious
to see how Mongolians make this holiday.
Oh, and basketball will be starting next week. I predict LeBron will win his fifth MVP
trophy and another NBA championship. It
doesn’t matter to me, as long as OKC is beat.
I really wish Brandon Roy hadn’t had knee problems. He would have probably been the top shooting
guard in the NBA today. Someday my
Sonics will return. I’ll be at their
first home game at the new Sodo Arena when they retire Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp,
and Ray Allen’s jerseys. I’ll be holding
up a sign acknowledging David Stern of his grand accomplishments and standing
reputation in Seattle.
No comments:
Post a Comment